By Benjamin Hong, Co-Editor-in-Chief
Disclaimer: This is a work of satire and in no way suggests that this is an actual practice of the Superintendent’s.
In a video statement on Tuesday, Howard County Superintendent William Barnes admitted that the district’s inclement weather cancellations were largely based on his daily horoscope. The confession was prompted by a string of miscalculations that endangered students, most notably last Monday, when all Howard County schools remained fully operational during a winter weather event the National Weather Service labelled “the third most severe snowstorm in the region since recordkeeping began.”
“It was supposed to be a day of bold action and forward momentum for Scorpios,” a visibly frazzled Barnes explained. “I interpreted that as a sign to keep schools open, which in hindsight may have been a little too liberal a reading.”
According to an anonymous source in Central Office, Barnes has made use of these methods since at least March of 2024, when a particularly inauspicious Venus-Mercury conjunction prompted a district-wide cancellation in spite of the spring day’s clear skies and mid-50s temperatures. That decision, which at the time completely mystified faculty, students, and parents, has since been quietly walked back in district records as a “scheduled maintenance day.”
An increasingly desperate Barnes argued that the system had worked surprisingly well for years, largely due to the fluctuations inherent in Maryland’s seasonal weather. “You have to understand, it was a cost-saving measure,” he asserted. “In the DMV area, studies have shown that astrological determinism is at least 90% as accurate as the fanciest meteorological gadgets money can buy.” The Current has as of yet not been able to verify either the source or the veracity of this statistic.
Despite a strong predictive record, things came to a head last Monday for Barnes’ astrological fortunes. A forecast of eight inches of snow led to two confirmed bus accidents on Maryland Route 108, and a petition to close schools, signed by an overwhelming majority of HCPSS faculty, was not enough to override what Astrology Zone confidently declared was “a morning for [Scorpios] to take charge.”
River Hill junior Kevin Lu, who arrived at school on Monday after a 95-minute bus delay wearing what he described as “every piece of clothing I own and a blanket,” called Barnes’ admission “honest, not that surprising.” River Hill senior Jerry Li noted that he had been suspecting something of the sort “ever since school was cancelled last September, even though the weather app showed partly cloudy skies with a small chance of frost.”
The Howard County Board of Education held an emergency session Wednesday evening in response to Barnes’ confession, announcing a task force that would seek to develop a more sophisticated decision protocol. The task force’s inaugural meeting, initially scheduled for Friday evening, has since been postponed. A spokesperson for the group cited logistical challenges as the reason for the delay before leaving the press conference mumbling, “Mercury in the 12th house.”
At the time of printing, Barnes has yet to issue a decision on next Wednesday’s forecast of heavy overnight freezing rain. His horoscope for the day reads: “Avoid unnecessary risks. Trust your instincts.” Sources close to the superintendent report that schools are expected to open on time.